Monday, October 25, 2010

Every once in a while, you just have to pray.

I know I'm not the most spiritual person in the world, but I do have faith in something much bigger than me. It's days that start off like this that make me really dig down and hope for something more. So I pray and ask for things to get better.

I was on time for work this morning. I had just taken some more cold medicine (since I've been fighting "The Ick" all weekend) and was on my way to work. I didn't pay attention because of the OTC med induced haze and was speeding. Yeah, I got a ticket. I hadn't had one in 8 years. I started crying, but I knew it was pretty well my fault. I just hate the thought of going to court and all.

Late to work. Confusing training. Backwards, weirdly stapled powerpoint. Meh.

I get to class. I got an A on my poetry assignment. Writing for that class is like pulling teeth. It's a creative writing class where I am forced to write a certain way every time. At least I can follow the creative formula well enough and the stuff that I write always seems to be A worthy. I don't get it. Maybe the teacher has low expectations.

Spanish class produced a surprise A on an exam that I panicked over and didn't feel like I studied enough for.

English class forced me to once again hate Victorian England for all it's bassackwards-ness. Here's the lesson kids: Yay! Penis. Boo! Vagina. Women are evil because they have feelings. God is all there is until Darwin then everyone is confused. Church is everything. Yay! Jesus. Boo! Logic and reason and free thought.

Work brings me to where I am. I paid bills. I prayed for nice clients. Then this lady called in. Julie, I think. She was the sweetest most disconnected lady I had spoke to in ages. She sounded like she was utterly confused, but willing to learn and listen. I wasn't really thinking about what I was doing. I was just doing my job. I was figuring out that she was on an exchange server and she couldn't email out of the software. She broke through what I was saying...

"Thank you. I like you."

I was caught off guard. I responded in kind and said, "Thank you. I like you too."

"No, I mean I like you. You actually sound like you care about me understanding."

"Yes ma'am. I do care. I want you to understand how to use the software and feel comfortable with it."

The conversation went back and forth like that. Apparently, she emailed my boss all happy about the work I did and will be calling back to ask for me. It sort of makes me feel nice to know that I have people that are total strangers that like me that much and want to talk to me again.

Needless to say, whenever I get worried or bothered by the stuff in life that I cannot affect, I pray.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Life for Sale

Boxes of our old life
scattered on the lawn.
Strangers rifling through memories.
Their crumpled dollar bills
exchange for my pain.
I watch them pack you up
and haul you away.
A little past daylight,
my pocket full of singles
and my heart empty of you.

This came from the yard sale I had a few weeks ago with a friend. Some of the ex's stuff went. Shirts, a few other insignificant things. In the end, I was so happy to know I had less stuff. That I was no longer weighed down by all these things I wouldn't use. Sometimes, you have to really let go of everything physical and sell it all or give it away to someone else. I thought about some of those things when wrote that and realized, I didn't give a damn about him anymore.

I miss his dog, though.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A breath of hope.

I've been dating Tim now for what will be 6 official months today. Recently, I have had several people come up to me and tell me that they are thrilled to see me so happy. One person said, "I have know you for years, Alicia. I have seen your heart broken by some absolute trash and to see you smile now. Well, I've never seen you smile like that. I'm happy for you from the bottom of my heart."

Then, the fear creeps in. It's long fingers close around my throat and I am choked by it. I guess a part of me still lives in the past. That terrified part of me that believes all I will get is pain back for the love I gave out. Deep down, I'm a little scared of getting to know his friends for fear I will lose them the way I have lost friends before.

There's actually a part of me that is scared of making friends anyway. Fear of getting close, trusting people, letting people see me as I am inside. I have made so many friends only to have them fade away like scars. Then, I make new friends and they fade away. Eventually all that is left is the light pain from where they were when my thoughts graze the scar of memory. Some scars are still too fresh and tears fill my eyes.

When I arrived at work today, I walked in with Tim as he was coming in from his break. We spoke briefly of our little anniversary and smiled over it. I'm lucky to have someone like him that remembers what some people would consider so insignificant. Someone that brings me a diet soda without me asking for one when he goes on break. Someone that sees me despite my efforts to keep up a wall of protection from the world. Someone like him.

So even though the fingers of fear reach out to choke me from time to time, I still manage to keep a breath of hope within me. Somehow, I'll survive.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The fury and the sadness

The people that have gotten to know me, really gotten to know me, know that I can be a very furious person. I wear my aggression (passive as it may be) like a coat at all times. I find myself balling up my fists and biting my lips till they bleed some days. I get so angry that I cry.

In my Tuesday couch trips, I talk about this anger and how it stems for a sadness within me that I am finally coming to terms with. It's a pain I have hidden for years. Sadly, I have known it almost as long as I can remember. I first felt this way when I realized I was different from all the other little kids my own age. I was in kindergarten and they were going around the room asking what our parents did for a living. I knew my mother was a secretary for a judge, but I had no idea what my father did at the time as I only saw him a few times a year.(My parents had been divorced since I was 2)  As I got frustrated to the point of crying because I didn't know the answer, the other children laughed and pointed and taunted me. "Alicia doesn't know what her daddy does!" I felt like I would never belong because I knew my family was broken and part of me probably was too. That's a horrible revelation for a child to come to at 5.

As I continued through school, I was always separated by teachers because of my intelligence and behavior. Other children were special because they were smart. I was...different. Part of me grew to hate that word.

It didn't really help that I was the only child of a woman that fought every man that stood in her way. Her anger and distaste for the way men treated her in the past rubbed off on me. Even now, I have a hard time trusting men. (Also when you consider my horrendous track record with some of the "winners" I have dated over the past 5 years, it sort of makes sense.) Still, I have a flicker of hope within me.

For 23 years, I have dealt with an anger and sadness that I have never known how to let go of. Sometimes, I wonder if I will always be this way. During my last couch trip, I looked over at my fellow voyager and said, "I think we're going to be doing this for the next two years." I want to get rid of this. I really do. I want to one day be something other than angry.

I want to be happy.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Me within me

I spent a lot of time fighting myself when I was with someone from my past. I warred with myself to be someone that I wasn't. I tried to squeeze myself in a mold and into a size 8. I'm not that person. I can't be bent that way anymore. I damn near broke in two when I tried. I have learned that if someone does not accept you as you are when they first get to know you, you will never be happy with them. My happiness from that time was a farce and a show. I know that now and it's taken me a year to come to terms with the lies I told myself.

Now, just about every weekend for the past four months I have spent time with Tim. We talk about a little of everything and a good bit of nothing. I find myself sitting across the table from him or on the couch and I lose all track of thought. I start noticing the slope of the bridge of his nose or the way his eyebrows curve or the peony shade of his lower lip or how his mustache is a lighter shade of brown than the rest of his beard. I then have to force myself to listen to his words again because I found myself lost in the finest details of him. In those moments, I feel like I am experiencing a high school crush all over again. I am not after him for his looks, mind you. I rarely date people that I am physically attracted to. I find his heart and his mind most attractive.

We sit together, and even if we are not touching, I feel him there. I have been around people that I can be in a room with for hours and not feel their presence. It's comforting to feel someone's presence again. Without that sensation, a cold creeps into your soul that takes far too long to get out. That part of me had only started to thaw when I started to let Tim in. Now, when I sit with him, there is a warmth and a glow in my heart that I honestly cannot remember.

I think I once told Tim, "I forgot what joy was." The truth is, I never knew it. Not with the others. I spent so many years living for someone else's happiness, someone else's whims. I tried to be the woman they could love at the sacrifice of being able to love myself.

Then there was Tim. Someone I found myself being myself around and I scared myself by doing so. I found myself laughing, singing, living...being. Being me. I found myself being a person I had forgotten existed. It was hard at first because I was scared of myself and what Tim would think about me being me. He didn't realize I was still feeling my way in this new, but old, skin. The more I am with him the more I get in touch with myself. I don't want to let the feeling slip away.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Meeting someone like me.

Have you ever not known someone at all and been so jealous of them for no real good reason? No? Maybe it's just me. This person was a total stranger to me. I felt for them and wanted to keep them from harm deep down. Part of me hated myself for wanting what they had. Looking back, it was so stupid.

Yeah, I know, I'm being ambiguous again. So sue me. I'm allowed.

Anyway, back when I was still working through all my hate and anger for my ex, I blogged about the relationship and downfall. Well, crap, you know that, you've been reading. Some people read and got mad. Some people read and were disturbed. Some people read and felt sorry for me. I never thought for a second that the one person I originally wanted to help would be reading.Christy, his girlfriend at the time, had been reading my blog. She had been learning about me and learning about who she was dating. I was just writing to clear my heart and mind of all that had been weighing it down.

When I saw that F's relationship status had changed, I didn't think, "Hey, I have a chance," or "It serves him right; I hope she left him." I thought, "She is probably hurting. I wish she wasn't." After all my jealousy over her, I felt myself crying for a stranger because I knew how alone she felt. I have been told I was wrong for reaching out to Christy after their break-up. I knew in my heart that I would probably lose friends or have people turn on me for it. I didn't think about how it would affect me. I thought about her. I wrote her and told her I was sorry about everything and that if she needed to talk, I was there.

I didn't think for a moment that I would hear anything. I thought I would be called crazy by this stranger that I felt a certain sadness for. She responded and I was stunned. She was stunned I cared. We messaged back and forth that day, and we both happy to have a like mind and heart to talk things though. We spoke that night on the phone at length. We talked about how we were treated behind closed doors. We talked about how we felt. I felt like I had finally found someone that understood what I had dealt with. I was relieved and utterly thankful.

In our own ways, we both believe that God had a reason for us to speak. For us to become friends. Our interests are far apart and varied, but deep down we are very much the same person. We said we would like to meet up one day.

That one day was last Friday. I was in Sumter after a gift for Tim, and I  figured I had a good chance of getting to meet the person that had helped push me over the last few hurdles of getting over F. We agreed to meet at a bar behind the mall.

Honestly, I was terrified. I felt fatter than holy Hell and knew I looked like shit. She wasn't alone. She was with her mother and a friend. My social paranoia set in and held me in it's grips. I'm not a very easy going person around people I don't know and especially other people's parents. I had to keep myself from slipping into nerd mode.

Somehow, my veil of fright slipped as we started talking about our least favorite person. I let myself be catty as all Hell, and it was fun. I remember how he used to admonish me for being catty with Becca. At that moment, as I was taking verbal stabs at him, I felt liberated. I felt like I was with a new friend, and we were enjoying a conversation about something we both agreed on. We experienced a lot of the same troubles, and we found solace in each other's jokes. We were healed by laughter and lifted up by each other's hopeful words.

We have spoken about other things other that F. We have talked about our lives and where our hearts are going. If we are seeing someone. How we are dealing with our emotions now. We talk things out and we listen to each other. We know in small ways how the other one is feeling or how they are thinking. Let me tell you, talking to someone that has experienced a similar relationship with the same partner gives you a whole new insight. Even though we still don't know each other that well, it's almost like we understand each other without really having to change how we look at things with our heart.

I regret nothing. The people that don't speak to me anymore; we weren't really that close. I've made my peace with that. The people that think I am wrong; they are allowed to think what they want. I prayed about it and I did what I felt was right at the time. I got my heart and my mind right and clear. I also gained something out of it that I never thought possible. I gained friendship from a total stranger. I will forever be thankful to Christy for helping me. She and I have helped each other in ways I don't expect people to fully understand.

I know that our situation was weird. That girls don't become friends after getting hurt by the same guy. Not normally. She and I aren't normal young women. We're made of stronger stuff. Somehow, we were meant to get to this point and become friends.

 In a stupid way, I almost thank F for leaving me because I am better off without him. I have found myself and I am happier without him around. In a way, I have a new friend because of him too. Let's not give him any of the credit though.

God works in mysterious ways. He gives us what we need and takes away what we don't. He let me make a new friend and she helped me get rid of my pain.

I don't know where this will all go next, but I know I'm right where I should be.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

With fingers interlaced.

I always was one of those people that thought hand holding was sort of sweet at times. To see a couple holding hands. Young or old. It's one of the simplest displays of affection and in my opinion, it's one we truly take for granted.

I always knew a relationship was done for when I couldn't get the person I was with to hold my hand. Frank was never one for that with me to begin with. I once made a comment about my fingers being longer than his and ever since then, he wouldn't hold my hand for anything. I hated that I said that, but most of the time, he only touched me when he wanted something. Anyway, I have been with people who I couldn't stand to hold their hand. Scaly hands, wet fish hands. Ugh.

I never realized how much I liked that smallest sign of affection until Tim and I were watching IronMan 2 a couple of weekends ago with Chris and Becca. We were sitting there in the dark and I felt his hand wrap around mine at first. Then, our fingers interlaced. Them, I forgot to pay attention to the movie.

For almost 30 minutes, I sat there, completely bemused and concentrated on our hands. The way he would open his fingers and run his fingers along the sides of mine. The way he'd let just the tips of his fingers dance across my palm and the back of my hand. The act was so innocent and so sexual at the same time. I truly couldn't remember the last time I held hands with someone and felt them there. Sometimes, you hold someone's hand and it's like holding anyone else's hand. This was different. I knew it was Tim holding my hand.

I almost burst into tears at this. There was something so amazing and tender about him just touching my hand and holding it. I was so caught up in that moment that until something on the screen exploded and startled me I forgot I was supposed to be watching a movie.

I started thinking, "Why is this so fascinating to me? We're just holding hands. This is so ordinary." I was standing in the shower the next morning and I was struck with the thought, "It was anything but ordinary." I got out of the shower and watched Tim doze as I towel dried and brushed my hair. I sat down on the bed and he stirred. He looked up at me and touched the side of my face with his slightly rough hand. He took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles. Every time he does that, my heart is a little more healed than it was the time before.

Looking back on past relationships, one in particular as always, I don't remember those actions, that tenderness. I don't remember being shown affection for affection sake. I remember being smothered, held down, forced and ignored. Tim does none of that.

I keep telling myself to live in the moment and to not have any expectations. I really don't. I mean, hell, I haven't even really changed my all important relationship status on Facebook. As if that were the all important barometer of how true and real the relationship really is. We spend Friday and/or Saturday night together. Sometimes we see each other during the week.

We keep it simple. We tell each other, "I like you." We make each other happy by doing something most people don't remember to do in a relationship: we are OURSELVES. I have found more joy within myself by being who I am when I am with him than I ever found by trying to be the thing that my exes tried forcing into molds. I like Tim very much, and that isn't going to change anytime soon. I like who I am, and that isn't going to change either.

I never thought I'd get to say that.

I like who I am.

Is this what true happiness is?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The fallacy in Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicals: The Crystal Bearers.

So I know I was complaining about this game on my Facebook page a while back. I'm still trying to mull over my anger for this game. I have always had a strong affection for the Final Fantasy series, despite having not played that many of them.

There are a few good points to the game. It's short and the story is very direct. There are not too many side quests to get lost on. (Granted I didn't find that many, so who knows.) The game has a quick jump-in style of gameplay that is great for people that aren't huge RPG fans. The game looks great for a Wii title, but at times it has that PS2 smell to it. The music is pretty solid and not too kiddish at times.

Onto the bad stuff. The in-game battle is on a flipping timer. If you don't beat all the critters around the miasma stream in a certain amount of time, a dinger goes off and you have to wait till the stream opens again. The critters come back and you have to kill them all to close the stream and get the mythril shards to add to your health bar. There is no level grinding. The controls are for the birds. You have to aim with the Wii remote and target to pull, push, hit, flip or whatever you have to do. It is a pain in the ass for sure. The map blows. You can't tell where you are on the overworld map because it's so small and lacking any and all detail. I got lost for 45 minutes and walked in circles to find a location.

Onto the even worse. The game is short. Like shorter than my ex's...oh, the jokes are no fun now. Anyway, I went into the boss battle after having only fabricated one of each armor class and only getting two additional mythril shards. The whole game took a grand total of 13 hours and 18 minutes. Honestly, if you don't account the 4-5 hours of cinematics and the estimated 2 hours I spend walking from place to place until the rail system opens up to SLIGHTLY speed up travel, I didn't really play for 13 hours. More like 7 hours of game play.

Ugh. This game is SOOOO not worth $50. Rent it from Gamefly or wait till it hits the $9.99 clearance bin and pray it trades in for $7. Seriously.

I give it a 4.5/10. Not unplayable, but it is not a Final Fantasy epic. A good waste of a weekend, but not good enough to keep and replay.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Prayer and the unbeliever.

I have dated my share of unbelievers. Been friends with a lot of them too. Still are friends with them. I've had my faith questioned and been laughed at when the only thing I can say about why I believe and pray is, "I just do." I thought about prayer over the past few days a good bit and how it affects me and my perceptions of reality.

I was raised Baptist. Eventually, I stopped buying into all the preaching and singing and whatnot. I started seeing myself as someone that believes but isn't actively practicing. When I feel like everything is on top of me, I will stop, breathe and pray. I don't know is someone is listening, but as an only child from a less than normal home life, it's nice to think that someone out there can hear me and cares.

I began praying more lately, mostly at the request of a friend. She was having some guy troubles and wanted me to keep her in my thoughts. When I pray for her and the situation, I pray first and foremost that she finds peace of mind and heart. Then, I pray that the young man will have a moment of clarity and do what is best for him and my friend. I find that prayers work best when you really pray for the important stuff first and the extra things that would make the primary request that much better. I want her to find happiness very much because she and I share an odd bond, so in a way, it's a bit of my happiness, too.

Don't get me wrong. I am very happy with Tim. If you had told me 4 years ago, before my last long relationship began that I would be dating Tim; I would have laughed. As we all know, time and pain changes people. I am not the girl I was 4 years ago. I am harder and braver and stronger. My heart has not faltered though. I had misplaced faith for a period of time or two, but I am always working to have my heart and mind in the right place.

I still have friends ask me about how time and people have affected my faith. I have thought about it a lot. Some people have to see things to know they are real. Some people have to feel things to believe. Some people can look into the void and see boundless potential. Some people will only look if they have heard something strike the bottom. No one is right or wrong. It all boils down to what helps that person sleep at night.

Me, I still pray that my heart will one day be fully mended. I pray my friends are safe. I pray my parents are ok. I ask for the simple things. In return, I have been blessed with the chance to go back to school and do it right for the last time. I have friends who care for me and parents who, in their own way, love me. I have a boyfriend who doesn't care if I answer the door in pjs or a dress because he's just happy to see me.

I think for all the pain life can give, if you just believe that there are better days ahead of you, life will turn around and give you moments of happiness that scrub away the dark tint of pain. If you believe in a Higher Power, then thank Him. If you believe in the fates, thank them. If you believe in nothing, then, well...thank chance or whatever.

Never be ungrateful though.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Life in the rear-view

I keep having people bring up people (one person really) from my past. I feel weird about it because I'm constantly wanting to ask them to stop saying their name or bring them up. I feel like I'm always being tethered to a point that I can't really escape from. Yes, I know how you feel. Yes, I know you think they are being stupid. No, I don't want to know what was said.

It's like trying to drive by looking at the road in the rear-view mirror. You stay on the road only so long before you veer off or end up in oncoming traffic. I lived like that for too long. I feel like unplugging myself from everything and everyone that would tell me these things. That's not really the answer though. I just have to bear down and deal with it. Block it off.

I start online classes at Tech this week coming. Oh joy. It's a lot cheaper than FMU and I'm just trying to get caught up on my gen ed stuff that I'm still missing. I realize I'll be going to school almost three years, year-round. So much for breaks and vacations. It's like I tell my best gal Becca, "I'll rest when I'm dead." Two jobs and school and a boyfriend.

Most people would crack under my level of self imposed pressure. I just harden, like a diamond.

God, I have missed Daria. It's like my high school years and a bit of my college. Total bitter nostalgia. I'm still a cynic, but at least I have reasons to be so now.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Stuck in the middle with a Jew. (well, he looks like one)

Tonight's menu:

Lo Mein (Beef and chicken because I don't have enough of either one)
--The Lo Mein will consist of Asian mixed veggies tossed with a orange honey marinade and the marinaded meats.--
Whatever ice cream I pick up when I get the noodles for the lo mein.
Woodchuck for him and vodka/cranberry for me.

Tonight's plans:

Try not to accidentally beat up my roommate while trying to teach her to cook Lo Mein. Small kitchen and I typically work alone. (Hers will be minus the meat.)
Eat dinner with Tim.
Watch Heavy Metal with Tim (not my first pick but, oh well, I haven't seen it yet).
Play board and card games and drink with Tim.

You know, if this is the rut I get stuck in for the rest of my life, I couldn't imagine a better rut to be stuck in and with a better person.

I really just like him.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I can't get the song out of my head now.

So yesterday was Mother's Day. Therefore, I was obligated to see my maternal figures. I drove all the way out to BFE to visit my mother and grandmother. It is just as much fun as it sounds. Thirty minutes away from Florence and I am "home".

Now, whenever my mother finds out I'm dating someone new, she tends to ask questions. She thinks that I am a golden child and that few men on the planet are good enough for me to date. She honestly believes that I date beneath me. I think she thinks too much of me, her kid or not.

I started telling her a bit about Tim. Now much though. I don't want her to start being all condescending as usual.

She asked, "So how tall is he?"

I told her, "Tim is 6 ft 2."

She sighed with relief. I looked at her with a look curiosity.She smirked at me and said, "Well, at least you're no longer dating a member of the Lollipop Guild."

Now I can't stop humming that stupid song from Wizard of Oz.

I love my mother because she has my same awful, bitchy sense of humor.

I'm trying not to make cracks about my ex, but I will repeat funny crap other people say.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Small things that mean so much

Tim told me last night before we went out that he had a surprise for me. I knew from the sound of his keys striking the box in his pocket that I was getting jewelery of some kind. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and he sat there in the dark on my bed. Even in the dim light he looked nervous. I couldn't help but smile and try not to drip toothpaste on my polo dress.

After finishing up, I stepped into my room and snapped on the light. He held out a box to me and I hugged him before I even opened the box. I opened the brown cardboard box and tried not to burst into tears. They were little Triforce shaped earrings, studs. They weren't gold or silver, but that that moment they were the most precious thing I had held in a long time. I just kept hugging Tim to hide the fact that I was tearing up.

I've had boyfriends give me jewelry of all kinds. Silver and gold. Earrings, necklaces and bracelets. I'm not much of a jewelry person, but these earrings meant so much to me in that moment. Tim knew of my affection for the Legend of Zelda game series and my love for all sorts of gaming crafts. This was something I never expected.

I finally let go of him, apologizing profusely for starting to cry. I told him how much I loved the earrings and how I never expected it. I can't remember the last time someone I dated surprised me with a gift I truly loved. I felt so special and cared for and appreciated by him in a way I haven't felt in years. I suspect Tim teared up a bit too because as a pulled away he looked down and wiped his eyes too.

For the first time in ages, I know how my friends must have felt when I did something for them for no apparent reason, other than I cared and remembered them. I didn't know I could still feel this way.

It's amazing.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The "L" words.

I'm talking about "like" and "love."

I'm pretty sure I've said I love you and didn't mean it quite a few times. I'm pretty sure I said it because it was expected of me. I believe there were times I thought I loved people I was with because they stayed with me.

I went out with guys because they asked me out. I kept going out with them because I didn't want to be alone. I laugh at this now.

I find myself sitting with the one I'm with now and I hold his hand. In public. Without wondering if people are watching. Not caring if they are.

I look him square in the eye and say the most innocent and wonderful of phrases. "I like you." In public. Out loud. Proud of saying this perfect expression of simple affection. He says it back and it'e better than the last 1,000 times I heard a guy tell me, "I love you." I know it's not rushed and I know it's not forced and I know he means it. At this point, I don't care about hearing, "I love you" anytime soon.

We aren't ready to say it yet. We are terrified of saying it. We know the implications of it. We know the destruction that it can bring when spoken too soon and with too little emotion with it.

I finally feel like I'm with someone that understands the brevity and weight of words. I like it when we sit and talk and listen to each other and we forget where time goes. I like that we don't have to say much to convey everything at once.

He doesn't care that I'm overweight right now and likes me for who I am deep down. I can hardly remember what that feels like. I became used to being loved to liked with exceptions as a child. My parents only really paid attention to me when I did well or screwed up. Nothing unconditional. I got into relationships where I only felt like I was truly loved under set criteria. I had opportunistic friendships. He did all the same things and we're both tired of it.

We started hanging out and we just connected. Most of my relationships as an adult started as drunk hookups. So did his. This didn't start that way. The first time we spent any time really talking away from work, we actually talked. No awkward silence. No stilted laughter. A very nervous goodbye kiss. I went home with legs of Jello and a stupid grin on my face. I can't remember the last time that happened. Years ago.

Now I get that stupid grin every time I see him. He hugs me and I feel really hugged. Sometimes, I have to wait all week for that hug. It's worth waiting 5 days. In that instant that he hugs me, I know I am accepted. I am appreciated. I am finally ok.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The end is the beginning of every great thing.

I sat for some time thinking today. Today is the anniversary of the break up that has in so many ways defined me. Transformed me. Made me fall down for the last time. Made me stand up for the first time. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I'm physically no different than I was last year minus a few pounds.

There's nothing wrong with me. There was everything wrong with who I was with. I was with someone who didn't love me as I was because they don't love themselves. I am a wonderful person deep down. I have so much to offer and they took from me constantly without giving back. I'm done. He can and will never have any of me or all that I am ever again. He will never take from me again.

I have changed so much for the better so quickly. I'm not as broken as I was. I'm stronger than I was. I'm finding the more I live with myself as I am, I am everything that everyone who has loved me and supported me over the years have said I am and so much more.

In a conversation I had with my friend Curtis in regards to my blog,

I can't take those words back because they have been read by too many people. I won't apologize. I won't back down. If push comes to shove, I'll say it to his face, "You hurt me. You tried to break me. You degraded me behind closed doors because you hate yourself. I am not you. I am not that empty. I don't need you or anyone else to make me into something I am not."

I was looking through my PS2 games a couple of nights ago and I saw something deep in the back of the cabinet. Something I hadn't looked at in months, but I always knew it was there. It was the remote to Frank's Pioneer amp. My breath caught in my chest and my tears choked me for a second. This was the last thing I was stupidly holding onto of his. Everything else of his had been thrown away or given away.

That hunk of plastic symbolizes the last of the control he had on me. I have thought about that remote off and on over the past couple of days and as I was driving home from class today, I realized something. In order for the last of this to be over, for me to be rid of him, I have to get this out of my hands. I have to get rid of this.

I have forgiven myself for all the stupid things I did when I thought I loved him. I have forgiven myself for being stupid and blind to the pain. I have forgiven myself for believing it would get better. I have forgiven myself for letting myself be changed and hurt and degraded. I'm not that girl any more and I forgive her. That girl didn't know better because she had held her head down so long she forgot what it was like to see something other than the ends of her own shoes.

She is the last of my innocence and there's just enough of her left that keeps the tears in the corners of my eyes right now. She is the part of me that always wants to be angry and bitter and hold on. There's not enough of her left, though. She's tired and so am I.

Now that I can forgive myself for all that I was, I know that I am ready for all that I will be for the rest of my life. I don't ask for pardon and regret nothing said or done on this year-long journey to the place I stand now.

Just as I forgive old self, I now forgive Frank for hurting me. I expect no response from him on this ever. Part of me will always be hurt and a little angry, but as time goes on that part will fade like a scar or a memory.

It's done.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Stepping to the end.

I'm sitting here thinking about what is going down in four short days. Three really. It will be one of the hardest anniversaries I have dealt with. The day my heart was broken for the final time by my ex,Frank. The day I finally got to the edge of all that I thought I was.

Looking back, I wasn't that person I am now when I was with him. I was living a half life. Constantly trying to be someone for him and for me. It was like dancing on the edge of a razor; no matter what I did, I got hurt. I've finally healed enough to where I can walk on my own again, but some days, it still hurts.

There are days when I am reminded of him and how he hurt me in the end and I am still haunted by that. When someone says something hateful or does something hateful. When someone says someone hurt them. I still have too much empathy.

People have asked me if I still have feelings for him. The only part of me that still cares about him is the part of me that is still broken. That fractured part of me only loves the memory of what he was when I knew he loved me. When the words didn't fall dead from his lips to my ears. When I didn't feel judged. When I didn't work three jobs to try to escape him and stay at my apartment just to get away. I hardly remember those happy times.

Like it or not we know a lot of the same people. I'm friends with most of his friends. There is a sadness to that. There's a part of my life that will always have a part of him in it. I will always hear his name. The only way I would be rid of him would be to pull the plug on a few of the very few friendships I have. Even then, Florence is a small town.

In many ways, I'm thankful I'm not with him. If I were still with him, I probably wouldn't be in school right now. I probably wouldn't have found my solace in writing again. I wouldn't have my voice back. I'd still be silent. I have found a strength and happiness in myself that I didn't know existed.

I had never broken up with someone before Frank left me. Because of me being able to see things as they are, I was able to walk away from the one after him when I knew that he would always drink too much for my liking. I was able to look at what the one after that one was doing behind my back and knew when he lied to my face that he was no good for me. I will never be strung along again. I am many things, but a damned fool is not one of them.

Looking back, I wish people had been harder on me. Told me not to have hope and to walk away. Maybe I wouldn't still be the way I am. After this bout of stupid hope, I'm never going to deal with relationships this way again.

I wish Frank would one day come to grips with himself. I wish he would stop thinking he has to be tall or smart or any certain way. His constant oneupsmanship is tiring and arduous. I've just gotten to where I accept myself as I am. I am so much more than what I was and I will get better every day.

Now I have Tim. Sweet and bumbling and terribly affectionate. A geek after my own heart. I hung out with him for two months before we actually considered ourselves really dating. We'd sit and watch movies and hold hands. I liked his company. He never asked anything other than my time and attention. Then we started dating, but still kept everything from most of the world. We've only recently been seen together in public and identified as a couple. I feel like we've been running some crazy spy game. I sort of like it though. We keep to ourselves. We don't really hang out with anyone.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Reasons I know I'm a dork, nerd or geek.

I know what a Batliff is on sight and knew what it was before my Trek loving boyfriend.

I think Noubo Uematsu is more talented that John Williams.

I understand most of the humor on Big Bang Theory.

I got crazy excited when I heard about the Hello Kitty and Lego MMOs.

I think it's kind of hot that my boyfriend can play boss battle music from Final Fantasy on the guitar.

I collect Domo Kuns.

I have a slight obsession with Pocky and Ramume soda because it's tasty and Japanese.

I own a set of used Blue Man Group drumsticks and I'm extremely proud of it.

I get stupid excited every time I hear about a new comic book movie coming out no matter how lame the concept.

I believe that Zack Synder, Joss Whedon and Peter Jackson are the new holy trinity of sci-fi film making. They have usurped the thrones of Lucas, Roddenberry and Scott. Just saying.

I believe Han shot first only because Han can do no wrong in my heart.

I find Ron Perlman attractive, but only as Hellboy.

Masi Oka is the most adorable Asian alive.

I have dedicated the first 6 seasons of Family Guy to memory and can recall entire sections of dialog with only a few key words. This works best when I have my friends Becca and Jon to play off of.

I hate Matt Groening for taking this long to get Futurama back on the air while he has let the Simpsons run into the ground.

I have been told I would be "a good person so have around" in case of the Zombie apocalypse.

I'm 28 and I don't find it embarrassing to wear t-shirts with goofy sayings, logos or cartoon characters on them.

I can hear CRT monitors run, and I like it.

I celebrate May 4th every year as Star Wars day. (May the "fourth" be with you.)

I have an intense urge to build things out of Lego once in a while.

I realized that Mario 3 came out 20 years ago. I was overjoyed.

I own an 1976 original paperback of the Star Wars novelization, and no, you can't touch it.

I sleep with a Mario plush and often in Mario pjs.

There's a part of me that will always want to honeymoon at Disney world.

I have wanted to work for Nintendo since I could hold a controller.

I took this much time to write this list.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Back handed compliments and my screwed up nature.

I give lousy compliments because I don't know how to take them because of my self-loathing nature.

I was sitting on my couch with Tim on Saturday night. I looked at him and said, "I know this is going to sound stupid, but you are the best parts of everyone who ever broke my heart. You are so much more than just that though." He hugged me close and I tried hard not to cry. I let myself tear up. In a whispered voice, I spoke to him and told him how in so many small, but wonderful ways he makes me feel better about myself. I know my voice broke half a dozen times from choking back tears, but I didn't care. I was speaking to someone that could hear me. I can't remember the last time someone heard me, or I let them hear me.

I think that over the years, I lost the ability to speak. I mean I talk all the time. Ask anyone that really knows me. I talk a lot. I guess I normally don't really say anything. There's talking and there's talking. I know that in the past I tried to talk to guys I was with. I would say, "Let's talk." And then the dreaded, "What do you want to talk about?" would come up. I would die inside. Also whenever a guy would tell me, "Let's talk" that's douche bag code for, "You're getting dumped and I'm thinly veiling it with the premise of conversation." (I swear I could write a book on moron code.) I think that alone as scared me from conversation.

How is it that the people that hurt us most make us who we are? I mean my dad basically ignored me for the first 16 years of my life. Just about every guy that has ever dated me has left because of my parents, his parents, my friends, his friends, his inability to commit, his lack of self esteem, his unwillingness to stick with a long distance relationship, and his general stupidity. In some funny way, I almost thank them. ALMOST. Not really. Then again, it's those stupid assholes that break our hearts, cheat on us, break us down, and treat us like crap that make us better people. I mean if it weren't for the fact that I had gotten tossed out more times than my grandmother's fruitcake, that I wouldn't be who I am. I mean I think I got a little better every time I got passed over. God that's a fucked up way of putting it.

I guess I have to laugh about it now. I'm dating the nerdiest guy I've ever known. I'm dating someone who has to be so much of me equal and the whole time I've been dating my opposite. I mean he talks and I hear him. I believe that there is such a thing as speaking in a language that others can hear. Every once in a while we find that person that we hear. Maybe I finally have someone that I can hear and he can listen to me. Only time will tell.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Standing in the rain

Ever watched School Ties? You know the movie with Brendan Fraser and Matt Damon about the Jewish kid that goes to a private school and gets the crap beaten out of him for not belonging? (He was Jewish.) My favorite and most memorable scene from that movie is when Brendan's character is standing out on the lawn of the school to challenge the other guys to a fight. It starts to rain and the guys are all looking out the window at him and he's standing there staring up at the dorm window screaming, "Cowards!"

How many times have you ever wanted to do that? I know I have. Lately, more than ever. I want to stand up and point my finger in the face of all that I have been frightened of and say, "You will hurt me no more. You will not ignore me. I will finally be heard." It's a little late for that now.

I wish I had done this long ago. I wish I had stood out in the rain and called out in a voice that would be heard no matter what. I wish I had been stronger sooner.

Tim listened last night as I talked to a friend on the phone and recounted some of the events of the week in no specific detail. The truths I knew. The stories exchanged. The lies and back peddling. Tim seethed. He was amazed that I stood for so long through so much. Some would trivialize it. Some may never believe it. I knew in my heart it would happen again. It did. It will again.

I think I've finally moved into the final two stages of grief. I'm sitting in between anger and acceptance. I'm ok with where I am, but somehow I'm finally really angry about how I was treated. It's a very confusing state to be in. I'm happy without him but at the same time, I want to vent my anger as vocally as I can.

Looking back at some of my blogs, I hope he doesn't think for a fucking second any of my poetry was about him. Someone as emotionally hollow as him could never bring those words out of me. I never wrote anything outside of a handful of cards the entire time we were together. The poetry was the gateway to my emotional blossoming. The more I realized I was feeling again, the more I came to terms with my anger and pain and I was able to start writing this blog in the voice you now here. The voice that is ready to scream in the rain.

For the record.

I'm not in love with Frank. I have not been for months now. I dislike him. I do not like what he put me through, what he has put others through and how he behaves.

How does one politely say "fuck off?"

I know I won't ever get to see his dog in person again and you know, that's fine. I'll have a puppy of my own one day. I'm just partial to Fritz.

Perhaps recent events have let my true anger come to light.

I was good before him. I'm great without him. I miss his family and the time I spent with his friends. I don't know him anymore, nor do I think anyone else really does.

Frank Davis, if you can read this, get over yourself. You're not that hot. You're not that smart. You're not that awesome. You need people to feed your ego. You need to hurt others to make yourself feel better. Grow up, you twit.

I'm done. I will continue to write for the sake of my own heart and mind which is why I started writing to let people know me and see me for who I am. I need no one to validate me. I am a good person.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

In love with a ghost and unknown allies.

I realized something very important last week. I was sitting in this overstuffed armchair that I'm always in every other Tuesday. I was crying and the realization struck me like an open-palmed slap on the face. I looked up and knew why all my relationships had failed. I had tried so hard to be in one for the sake of not being alone.

That's a harrowing thought when you really get right down to it. I was with people so I wouldn't have to be alone. Even after I realized how much, at times, I didn't love or like the person I was with. I stayed. Just so I could say I had someone. Just so I would know I wasn't alone. Christ.

How stupid is that?

I guess I had become clich├ęd. I was in love with being in love or being with someone and not the actual person. How many times have people done that? How many times have I done that? I stopped to think about it and I sobbed harder. I had allowed myself to stay in places and with people that were poisonous to me for the sheer sake of escaping my loneliness to another place all together. A place that was worse.

Now, I find that another person has been blighted by him. She was given the same damned contrite lines I was the first time he left me. You would think he could come up with better material for a new person. I reached out to her in that moment because I had heard stories of how he treated her and I felt like I was reaching out to me from a year ago. God, how I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted for the longest time to just save her from what I knew would happen. Him leaving her. Breaking her heart. That by somehow saving her would save me from myself. Instead, I waited until I knew I could be of help rather than potential harm.

Meanwhile, she has been looking at my blogs all this time. So without me knowing, she knew of me. Life's funny like that. I want to help her the way others have helped me.

We both deserve better than him. He deserves nothing.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Memories I'd rather forget.

I was digging in my closet today and I found boxes of ornaments I had bought when I was still with my ex. Hallmark ornaments. Star Wars ornaments. All sorts of nerdery. I knelt there in the closet and I took them out of the box and I started crying. I started thinking about how I ended up with the ornaments in my possession again and I remember hanging some of them with friends on the tree the last Christmas we were together. The only time I was happy was when friends were there. When I was alone with him, it wasn't like that.

I couldn't bear to put any of them up this past holiday for the simple fact that it just didn't feel right hanging them up yet. The smell of his house was still on the boxes. I guess he thought he was going to get to keep them. No. Mine. He got to keep too damned much of me. I've finally reclaimed it all. Except for a Disney Couture Tinkerbell blouse. I consider it lost. I liked that shirt.

I guess I'm finally speaking honestly about things because I have to get it out. All of it. I don't care if he reads this. I don't think he gives a damn about anyone but himself deep down. He treated me like that in the end, and I let him. Even people close to him have said what a selfish ass he is. God knows I know it more than anyone else.

When I got most of my things from his house, he actually helped me get them out to my car. The last time I went there to get the straggling items remaining he said I wasn't allowed in the house and I would have to get them off the porch after a certain time. Off the fucking porch. He treated my clothes like trash. All balled up in trash bags and thrown in like something you'd haul to Goodwill. I can remember pulling up to his house and watching him pull away with his girlfriend. I parked my car at the curb and lugged the last few bags to my car. I sobbed and screamed into the steering wheel of the car. I drove to the park nearby and sat and watched people playing with their kids and I wailed because I knew I didn't matter to him. I had never been anything but nice and I (well, my things) were curbed like trash.

There is a part of me that still clings to that rage and grief. God knows, it's not healthy. I think what causes me to become so upset is because I gave and gave and gave and have nothing to show for it. When I work on something for a while, I usually have some sort of thing to show. A needlepoint. A model. A poem. From that disaster, I have nothing but anger.

The worst thing is that I miss Fritz, his dog. That little hairball stole my heart. He showed me love when Frank ignored me. When Frank would talk down to me, Fritz would sit outside with me and lean against my leg while I cried. When Fritz was sick or tired, he would come looking for me for comfort. I cry sometimes at night for him. An animal that probably has no memory of me. I have a whole box of toys and collars and treats that I'll never give him. Last May, I bought him a new chew toy and big rawhide bone for his birthday. I didn't have the heart to take it to him. Knowing that his birthday will be here soon makes me miss him more.

In just a few weeks, it'll be the anniversary of the break-up. Frank dumped me a few days before my best friend Rebecca's birthday. We still had the party at his place. I remember thinking, "I should just cancel, but I can't do this to Becca." So, I faked happy one last night for all my friends. I laughed and tried not to cry. I acted like everything was ok. I remember I barely ate that night. I remember when everyone was inside and it was just Fritz and I for a moment. I remember I looked at Fritz and I thought, "I'm going to miss these moments." I once asked Frank if I could come see Fritz sometime. He looked at me and said, "He's just a dog. You don't get to see him."

I don't know why I keep bringing things out of me. It's like I'm emotionally taking my pain out to the curb. I have this horrible habit of keeping everything in. I'm all about keeping up appearances. I guess I'm trying to rationalize it by saying that after ten years of repression and silence, I'm trying to pull it all out of me. Every held back tear. Every bit lip. Every time I chewed the inside of my cheeks raw.

I let myself be mistreated. I let myself be degraded. I let myself hold everything back. I let myself be changed. I let myself start to hate myself. I let myself question who I was.

Now, after all of what I went through, I find myself standing on my own emotionally for the first time without fear of judgement. I am not as perfect as I wish I were. I am fractured. I am damaged. I am weird. I am a nerd. I am flawed. I am not the daughter my mother wanted. I am not a huge success. I am not normal. I am a horrible singer.

I do have friends and people that care about me. I just hope they still accept me as I continue to find the me in me.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sushi and emotions.

So I came home from my retail job and got a wild hair up my butt to roll sushi. I don't know why, but since I've started officially saying I'm dating Tim I have suddenly turned into Martha Stewart. (Well, except for the whole stock scandal thing. I'm too broke for that.) I spent the better part of 3 hours chopping, slicing, mixing, rolling, plating and packing the equivalent of 16 rolls of sushi. My shirt reeked of it and my hands were gummy from the rice. For some reason I felt like a had done something profound. I arrived at Tim's house with a bag full of food and Tim just hugged me and told "thank you". I almost cried.

I'm doing that a lot more. Crying, that is. Not from sadness really. I'm actually being more emotionally open than I used to be. I think I'm finally feeling again and being who I was repressing for so long. Sometimes, Tim and I will be sitting talking about our pasts and forget for a moment that this is not how I normally operate. I find myself truly speaking to him in a way I only talk to my closest friend Becca. I let myself get tears in my eyes and I don't fear him shying away or not being able to look in my eye.

I don't know whether it was the half bottle of sake I had knocked back or the fact that I really just like Tim. I told him there's a lot I keep hidden and I find myself a bit scared because I let myself be myself around him. I can't believe how much I really admit to him. In only a few weeks we have gotten so close. We're both scared a little of it. It's sort of nice being this scared and this happy at the same time.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Getting back to me

So, I guess I'm dating this guy, Tim, now. He's quite possibly the nerdiest guy I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. We used to just hang out for the past couple of months, but lately I have let myself get closer to him.

We had a conversation last night. (The sheer fact that we can have a real conversation about real things that matter still scares the crap about of me.) We spoke of how to explain us to people when they ask. I admitted I had already mentioned in conversation that he was a "guy I was dating". He smiled and said it made him happy to know I spoke of him like that.

I talked to a friend of mine about it. She said, "why don't you just say you're 'together'?" Could it really be that simple? I had to laugh at the matter.

I find myself disarmed by my feelings for him. I mean, I felt strongly for the one before him, but not to this extent. The one before started getting me to want to open up and let someone know me for the first time in quite a while. Then, before I knew it, he was pulling away and seeing someone else. I was left like an open wound, bleeding emotions and thoughts.

I opened up to Tim a couple of weeks ago and told him everything. About the other guy and me pulling away from him and him pulling away from me. I told him, "You were my only constant. You never stopped being yourself when I needed something that wasn't shifting around me." He just smiled and said, "I only want to get to know you." I damn near cried.

Last night we were talking and I told him that I found it remarkable what when we talked to each other that we weren't just being quiet until the other one stopped talking so we could speak. I had tears in my eyes and I apologized for crying. He told me to never be ashamed of my feelings.

I explained to him that my relationship with Frank was a relationship of silence. I always felt like no matter what I did, I wasn't good enough for him and I always had to try too f-ing hard to be something for him that stripped me my identity. Be thin. Be quiet. Be normal. Be pretty. Be anything but me. For the life of me, I think I hated myself more when I was with him than I ever did when I was alone. I think the only reason I wanted to be with him was because I thought it was better than being alone. But the cost of being myself...looking back, I wish I had walked away.

I don't know where things with Tim and I will go, but for the first time in years, I feel like I know who I am and I could very well with someone that won't try to change me. In 10 years of dating, I have chameleoned myself to be the perfect girlfriend for idiot after idiot. I learned sports, cooked, read books I hated, listened to music I despised and played nice to people that I had to bite my tongue around to keep myself from yelling at. All for the sake of not being alone.

You know, when I finally write it and say how stupid it was, I don't feel worse for having done it. Ten years of changing myself for the sake of "love" has brought me full circle back to myself. You know, when you get right down to it, I was good enough to begin with. It was everyone else that wasn't fit to be with me.

I'm still scared of when I do finally open up completely. I'm not sure if I'm ready to have company over in the vestibule of my heart, but I guess I better get ready because someone's at the door.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Writing a resume is like whoring yourself out. Some people just can't do it. I'm sitting here at work taking apart someone else's resume and trying to make them sound hirable. Does that make me a pimp? If so, I need some of those shoes with goldfish in them and a cane...with a D20 on it. Yeah. That's how I roll.

I'm too white to talk to like that. ugh.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Saturday Morning

Lying close enough to touch you in the night
Inches of mattress make for miles to reach
When you sleep with your back turned to me.
Flat on my back, I watch the ceiling fan turn.
I keep looking over hoping you'll reach for me.
Your breathing never changes; you never stir.
I turn and look over you at the bedside clock
The minutes drag by and I sigh deeply
I watch the rise and fall of your breathing.
Tears fill my eyes and I bury my face
In case my whimpers cause you to awaken.
I bite my lip and tell myself, "You can't cry."
I'm awake long before your alarm rings.
I sit up and look back at you and I smile.
While inside, I'm crying, wanting to touch you.
I reach out and you slip out of the covers.
My hand falls and so does my first tears.
I let myself cry a bit while you shower.
I make up the bed and breathe you in.
We meet at the door and I swallow my words.
You say good-bye, hug me, and kiss my cheek,
Leaving my lips, like my heart, wanting only you.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


If I close my eyes tight enough sometimes
I can still see you stranding in front of me
You're smiling in that sweet goofy way
And at once my heart jumps in my throat.
I choke on my heart, choke back my tears.
As I open my eyes and you're not there.
If I stop and listen to the silence around,
I can still hear you whispering in my ear.
Saying I miss you and all the sweet nothings
I used to hear in the night but no more.
And the phone hasn't rung in days for me
I hope there's not someone else you whisper to.
If I stay still long enough in the night
Sometimes I can feel you warm beside me
Your breath against my neck, soft and steady
I long for those arms around my waist again.
In my dreams you're still there holding me
And the cold of my bed doesn't chill me so.
If I could erase you from my mind and heart
I think I could find some peace within both.
You broke the walls it took years to build
Now I stand unguarded for the very first time.
Before you and all the world exposed, trembling
Ready and willing to be myself for the first time.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Laying along is the part of night I hate most
The pillow I face is cold where you were
My hand reaches to touch your warm cheek,
But you are not here for my fingers to find.
In the night, my toes accidentally slip over
To your side and I awake and withdraw quickly.
I am saddened for in my dreams you slipped,
Between the sheets and your arms around me.
In that dream, I breathed you in and felt you.
You kissed my lips, the hollow of my throat.
My heartbeat quickens and my chest heaves.
Your whispered desires fill my ears and mind.
I receive you willingly and our bodies join.
As the tide of our ecstasy reaches its aching peak,
Out breathing crescendos and we crash together.
As out bodies uncoil and we relax into each other,
My toes find that dreaded empty icy spot again.
I awaken to find you were never really here.
My hand touches your empty spot on the pillow
And tears fill my eyes as the ghost of you fades.

Monday, February 15, 2010


To lean against you and hear your heart,
I knew what I was in that moment, happy.
To relax and let myself sink into your arms.
It was more than I thought I could handle.
Now after holding you at arm's distance,
I want to pull you in but feel you pull away.
You hold a piece of my heart unknowingly.
I don't just let anyone hold that part of me.
I want to call you mine as you called me yours.
Don't make a fool out of me and my heart.


In a moment, my happiness flashed in front of my eyes.
In an instant, my bliss almost slipped from my grasp.
You said you'd always catch me when I began to fall.
So now here I tumble, toward what I don't know at all.
The fall is not the part I fear most, it's the stop in the end.
Can you catch me? Are you still willing you take my hand?
Falling through chaos, reaching out for your embrace.
I feel that at least for now I've found somewhere, a place,
Where I can let go and be as I am, not as they wanted me
All I ask is to catch hold of me, kiss me. Keep me, please.