Friday, April 16, 2010

Stepping to the end.

I'm sitting here thinking about what is going down in four short days. Three really. It will be one of the hardest anniversaries I have dealt with. The day my heart was broken for the final time by my ex,Frank. The day I finally got to the edge of all that I thought I was.

Looking back, I wasn't that person I am now when I was with him. I was living a half life. Constantly trying to be someone for him and for me. It was like dancing on the edge of a razor; no matter what I did, I got hurt. I've finally healed enough to where I can walk on my own again, but some days, it still hurts.

There are days when I am reminded of him and how he hurt me in the end and I am still haunted by that. When someone says something hateful or does something hateful. When someone says someone hurt them. I still have too much empathy.

People have asked me if I still have feelings for him. The only part of me that still cares about him is the part of me that is still broken. That fractured part of me only loves the memory of what he was when I knew he loved me. When the words didn't fall dead from his lips to my ears. When I didn't feel judged. When I didn't work three jobs to try to escape him and stay at my apartment just to get away. I hardly remember those happy times.

Like it or not we know a lot of the same people. I'm friends with most of his friends. There is a sadness to that. There's a part of my life that will always have a part of him in it. I will always hear his name. The only way I would be rid of him would be to pull the plug on a few of the very few friendships I have. Even then, Florence is a small town.

In many ways, I'm thankful I'm not with him. If I were still with him, I probably wouldn't be in school right now. I probably wouldn't have found my solace in writing again. I wouldn't have my voice back. I'd still be silent. I have found a strength and happiness in myself that I didn't know existed.

I had never broken up with someone before Frank left me. Because of me being able to see things as they are, I was able to walk away from the one after him when I knew that he would always drink too much for my liking. I was able to look at what the one after that one was doing behind my back and knew when he lied to my face that he was no good for me. I will never be strung along again. I am many things, but a damned fool is not one of them.

Looking back, I wish people had been harder on me. Told me not to have hope and to walk away. Maybe I wouldn't still be the way I am. After this bout of stupid hope, I'm never going to deal with relationships this way again.

I wish Frank would one day come to grips with himself. I wish he would stop thinking he has to be tall or smart or any certain way. His constant oneupsmanship is tiring and arduous. I've just gotten to where I accept myself as I am. I am so much more than what I was and I will get better every day.

Now I have Tim. Sweet and bumbling and terribly affectionate. A geek after my own heart. I hung out with him for two months before we actually considered ourselves really dating. We'd sit and watch movies and hold hands. I liked his company. He never asked anything other than my time and attention. Then we started dating, but still kept everything from most of the world. We've only recently been seen together in public and identified as a couple. I feel like we've been running some crazy spy game. I sort of like it though. We keep to ourselves. We don't really hang out with anyone.

1 comment:

Wayne said...

"Looking back, I wish people had been harder on me. Told me not to have hope and to walk away."

ok... I know this is a whole catharsis thing for you, but let's be fair. People did say this to you. I know I did several times, but I did so knowing it'd have the same effect as telling a crack addict that the crack is bad for her health.

Attraction isn't a choice, people don't change quickly, and emotions can be extremely addictive.

Every friend you have could have said this to you, but no amount of logic or reasoning would have dissuaded you. Case in point: You were still hoping to win Frank back weeks after he was already dating someone else. If anyone at that point was saying anything other than "let it go"... then they give horrible advice in relationships.

The phrase "Some people have to learn the hard way." comes to mind. Think about the person you were before Frank, and then think about the person you were while you were dating Frank. I think you were "broken" long before he came along. It takes 2 to tango, and whatever Frank dished out, it's hard for me to put the blame squarely on him for anything he might have done when you kept going back to him. It reminds me of battered wives returning to their husbands. Now look at the person you are now. I think, and I hope, a better person because you had to learn a very hard lesson a very hard way and make positive changes in your life. If it hadn't been Frank, it might have been someone else.

I understand the need to vent, but some of your posts lack context and have some severe bias... I mean... Let's be fair about the event of you picking up your things "like trash" from Frank's place. You left that stuff there on purpose for a loooong time. I'd offered to help you retrieve your things long before you actually got them. At that point, you're really lucky he didn't give you an ultimatum to pick it up or he'd put it at the side of the road.

I'm not defending Frank. I do, however think a lot of blame for any abuse you took should be on yourself. Most emotionally healthy girls would've said goodbye and not looked back the first time you broke up. If you continue to date someone knowing what they're like and how they treat you & don't stick up for yourself and/or leave... then in my mind, a lot of the responsibility for how you are being treated is on yourself.

It is not as if you were being held hostage and tortured against your will. I'd told you plenty of times I thought if the relationship wasn't working, you should leave and find a healthy one.

The truth of the matter is that if you had been in a healthy place with the appropriate amount of self-respect, the first time anyone said or did anything that you thought was hurtful or abusive in the relationship, you would've had a serious conversation with your partner about it & if the behavior continued with no signs of working to improve it, one or both of you would have ended the relationship. Relationships are about communicating and making one another happy. Clearly, this one was unhealthy, but it took both of you to prolong its demise, so it is hard to be sympathetic.

It's your blog, so continue with the Frank bashing if you like, but as you said... it's been nearly a year since the last and final break-up. Get it all out, tell yourself you're not going to let yourself be mistreated ever again, and then drop the baggage and move on. :-)