I sat for some time thinking today. Today is the anniversary of the break up that has in so many ways defined me. Transformed me. Made me fall down for the last time. Made me stand up for the first time. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I'm physically no different than I was last year minus a few pounds.
There's nothing wrong with me. There was everything wrong with who I was with. I was with someone who didn't love me as I was because they don't love themselves. I am a wonderful person deep down. I have so much to offer and they took from me constantly without giving back. I'm done. He can and will never have any of me or all that I am ever again. He will never take from me again.
I have changed so much for the better so quickly. I'm not as broken as I was. I'm stronger than I was. I'm finding the more I live with myself as I am, I am everything that everyone who has loved me and supported me over the years have said I am and so much more.
In a conversation I had with my friend Curtis in regards to my blog,
I can't take those words back because they have been read by too many people. I won't apologize. I won't back down. If push comes to shove, I'll say it to his face, "You hurt me. You tried to break me. You degraded me behind closed doors because you hate yourself. I am not you. I am not that empty. I don't need you or anyone else to make me into something I am not."
I was looking through my PS2 games a couple of nights ago and I saw something deep in the back of the cabinet. Something I hadn't looked at in months, but I always knew it was there. It was the remote to Frank's Pioneer amp. My breath caught in my chest and my tears choked me for a second. This was the last thing I was stupidly holding onto of his. Everything else of his had been thrown away or given away.
That hunk of plastic symbolizes the last of the control he had on me. I have thought about that remote off and on over the past couple of days and as I was driving home from class today, I realized something. In order for the last of this to be over, for me to be rid of him, I have to get this out of my hands. I have to get rid of this.
I have forgiven myself for all the stupid things I did when I thought I loved him. I have forgiven myself for being stupid and blind to the pain. I have forgiven myself for believing it would get better. I have forgiven myself for letting myself be changed and hurt and degraded. I'm not that girl any more and I forgive her. That girl didn't know better because she had held her head down so long she forgot what it was like to see something other than the ends of her own shoes.
She is the last of my innocence and there's just enough of her left that keeps the tears in the corners of my eyes right now. She is the part of me that always wants to be angry and bitter and hold on. There's not enough of her left, though. She's tired and so am I.
Now that I can forgive myself for all that I was, I know that I am ready for all that I will be for the rest of my life. I don't ask for pardon and regret nothing said or done on this year-long journey to the place I stand now.
Just as I forgive old self, I now forgive Frank for hurting me. I expect no response from him on this ever. Part of me will always be hurt and a little angry, but as time goes on that part will fade like a scar or a memory.