Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Getting back to me

So, I guess I'm dating this guy, Tim, now. He's quite possibly the nerdiest guy I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. We used to just hang out for the past couple of months, but lately I have let myself get closer to him.

We had a conversation last night. (The sheer fact that we can have a real conversation about real things that matter still scares the crap about of me.) We spoke of how to explain us to people when they ask. I admitted I had already mentioned in conversation that he was a "guy I was dating". He smiled and said it made him happy to know I spoke of him like that.

I talked to a friend of mine about it. She said, "why don't you just say you're 'together'?" Could it really be that simple? I had to laugh at the matter.

I find myself disarmed by my feelings for him. I mean, I felt strongly for the one before him, but not to this extent. The one before started getting me to want to open up and let someone know me for the first time in quite a while. Then, before I knew it, he was pulling away and seeing someone else. I was left like an open wound, bleeding emotions and thoughts.

I opened up to Tim a couple of weeks ago and told him everything. About the other guy and me pulling away from him and him pulling away from me. I told him, "You were my only constant. You never stopped being yourself when I needed something that wasn't shifting around me." He just smiled and said, "I only want to get to know you." I damn near cried.

Last night we were talking and I told him that I found it remarkable what when we talked to each other that we weren't just being quiet until the other one stopped talking so we could speak. I had tears in my eyes and I apologized for crying. He told me to never be ashamed of my feelings.

I explained to him that my relationship with Frank was a relationship of silence. I always felt like no matter what I did, I wasn't good enough for him and I always had to try too f-ing hard to be something for him that stripped me my identity. Be thin. Be quiet. Be normal. Be pretty. Be anything but me. For the life of me, I think I hated myself more when I was with him than I ever did when I was alone. I think the only reason I wanted to be with him was because I thought it was better than being alone. But the cost of being myself...looking back, I wish I had walked away.

I don't know where things with Tim and I will go, but for the first time in years, I feel like I know who I am and I could very well with someone that won't try to change me. In 10 years of dating, I have chameleoned myself to be the perfect girlfriend for idiot after idiot. I learned sports, cooked, read books I hated, listened to music I despised and played nice to people that I had to bite my tongue around to keep myself from yelling at. All for the sake of not being alone.

You know, when I finally write it and say how stupid it was, I don't feel worse for having done it. Ten years of changing myself for the sake of "love" has brought me full circle back to myself. You know, when you get right down to it, I was good enough to begin with. It was everyone else that wasn't fit to be with me.

I'm still scared of when I do finally open up completely. I'm not sure if I'm ready to have company over in the vestibule of my heart, but I guess I better get ready because someone's at the door.

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