Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A breath of hope.

I've been dating Tim now for what will be 6 official months today. Recently, I have had several people come up to me and tell me that they are thrilled to see me so happy. One person said, "I have know you for years, Alicia. I have seen your heart broken by some absolute trash and to see you smile now. Well, I've never seen you smile like that. I'm happy for you from the bottom of my heart."

Then, the fear creeps in. It's long fingers close around my throat and I am choked by it. I guess a part of me still lives in the past. That terrified part of me that believes all I will get is pain back for the love I gave out. Deep down, I'm a little scared of getting to know his friends for fear I will lose them the way I have lost friends before.

There's actually a part of me that is scared of making friends anyway. Fear of getting close, trusting people, letting people see me as I am inside. I have made so many friends only to have them fade away like scars. Then, I make new friends and they fade away. Eventually all that is left is the light pain from where they were when my thoughts graze the scar of memory. Some scars are still too fresh and tears fill my eyes.

When I arrived at work today, I walked in with Tim as he was coming in from his break. We spoke briefly of our little anniversary and smiled over it. I'm lucky to have someone like him that remembers what some people would consider so insignificant. Someone that brings me a diet soda without me asking for one when he goes on break. Someone that sees me despite my efforts to keep up a wall of protection from the world. Someone like him.

So even though the fingers of fear reach out to choke me from time to time, I still manage to keep a breath of hope within me. Somehow, I'll survive.

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